just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
