I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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