got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
