I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
