Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Nicole vs. Life
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
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