sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
