Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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