Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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