I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
