I think I died a long time ago.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
