I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
