Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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