Umm I'm too high to move.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize