If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize