she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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