Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
