Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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