Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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