totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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