There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
