Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
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