It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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