we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
a search helicopter?!
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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