based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
