new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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