No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
