You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
