my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
