apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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