Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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