I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
this is an emotional support booty call
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
