my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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