true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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