even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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