I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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