You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
