You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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