Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
