this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
