I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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