i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
