If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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