I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I want a musical about memes.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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