There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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