She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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