I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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