It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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