apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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