went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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