this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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