Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
