i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Randomize
