I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
