You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize