I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
