remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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