Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
